Parenting
This
article on parenting is by a practicing relationship counsellor/therapist
and father.
The
following suggestions will be useful for any parent or caregiver
who wants to improve their relationships with their children.
In
more extreme situations, many of the approaches will still be
directly useful, and the overall approach is a guide for what
the extreme situation needs to come back to.
It
would also be very useful to attend relationship and/or family
counselling to uncover the deeper sources of any family conflict.
Main
points:
Often,
it is the unresolved trauma or early needs in the parents or caregivers
that set up the behaviour and feelings of the child, so an absolutely
necessary first step is for the caregiver to acknowledge and begin
to deal with their own unresolved unconscious processes and reactivity.
The
main thing that children need is to be genuinely liked and delighted-in.
They instinctively know your feelings about them. Parents need
to arrange their lives so that they have enough opportunity to
feel and express delight in their children.
Children
have a primary need to be played with, and talked to, with actual
connection, imagination to imagination - e.g., on the floor, both
delighting in the building and toppling of the blocks!
The
imagination connection has to be real - kids know! It's as real
a need as food.
The
second most important thing is that the parent's relationship
is the priority - not the children. The children need the parents
to be the priority as well, as this gives them stability, security
and example.
There
is no such thing as "naughty" - there is always a reason
for crying and "misbehaving".
How
you want your child to be, you need to be yourself - there is
no avoiding this, children are acutely aware of hypocrisy and
"natural" justice. Be honest about yourself with them
- you don't have to be "perfect", just honest.
If
children are considered as an inhibition on your "lifestyle",
there will be problems - they love to be included in what you
do (exclusion is very damaging).
It takes much less effort overall, to actually pay real attention
to, and to play with children on a genuine level, than to have
them continually whining, crying, sulking and demanding.
Your
children want your respect and approval, so "discipline"
them by withdrawing yourself from them - only for as long as the
socially unacceptable behaviour continues. The only "reward"
for "good" behaviour is social acceptance - "good"
behaviour should be considered as "normal", nothing
special.
Be
consistent and sparing with commands and discipline - a continual
barrage of un-enforced, or inconsistently, enforced "don'ts"
just makes children switch off to what you say. (This can be very
dangerous, when an especially important "don't" comes
along).
Physical
discipline is definitely not an option: All that can be learnt
with violence of any kind, physical or emotional, is violence
and limitation.
It
is very important to consistently apply previously stated consequences
to any inappropriate behaviour.
It is also very important that rules are fair and adhered to by
the parents as well.
Fairness
is very important. Real, and/or perceived unfairness is probably
the main trigger of conflict (even with adults).
Give
children definite, fair, and un-hypocritical limits that are socially
acceptable, and as free as possible.
Children
are naturally fully intelligent - they are only lacking experience
and information.
Encourage
physical and emotional "robustness", self-confidence
and self-responsibility so that they can take, and enjoy, whatever
textures life has for them. Don't overprotect or smother a child
when hurt. Encourage self-reliance by supporting them to help
themselves. (If a child is obsessively overprotected, with the
"message" that they are not capable, then they will
be incapable).
But
beware, this is not an excuse for abuse or neglect, it's a call
for diligent, parentally-nurtured self-reliance.
Uninhibited
physical contact is very important - avoid imparting your own
phobias and obsessions to them. Again, this is not an excuse for
abuse - as parents and caregivers we must do the work on ourselves,
to become free of our own dysfunction.
Bring
about an awareness and appreciation of beauty.
(A person, who is happy, and aware of beauty, cannot deliberately
destroy that beauty, or harm others or the planet).
Action
and behaviour need to come out of willingness never fear. (Discipline
coming out of fear and hate can never allow a person to be "whole"
and creative).
Uninterrupted
"daydreaming" has been found to be a crucial element
in well-being and growth, because lateral thinking, creativity,
and internal connections happen in this mind state. Allow children
this space - if they over-daydream, it's possible that there is
some unresolved issue in the child's life that needs attending
to.
Avoid
trying to "convince" a younger child with "reason",
just state your position and hold to it firmly and lovingly.
Allow
children to develop at their own rate, (physically, mentally,
and emotionally), while continuing to provide an environment that
draws them on.
It
is very important also, to not limit a child's exploring - exploring
is absolutely natural and necessary. Where there is danger in
the exploring, arrange things so that the exploration is encouraged
in a safe way.
Avoid
creating conflict with a child by denying them doing what you
are doing, or having, yourself - if you can't change your own
ways, (to lead by example), then allow them a minimum of what
you are doing or having, (while seeming to allow a lot).
Conflict
born of (perceived) unfairness is a big problem.
Summary:
Children
need to be genuinely delighted in.
No
parent is "perfect" - intention, awareness and self-honesty
are what are important.
Parents
need to be firm, consistent, nonviolent (physically or emotionally),
non-materialistic, un-hypocritical and loving.
No
put-downs, no guilt, no devaluing.
